The Watchability Scale

For all sports fans there is a certain game hierarchy that determines whether we’ll watch, how closely we’ll watch, and who we’ll watch with. Some of us can’t stand missing the pregame show to an NBA Summer League game on NBA TV in the middle of July. Some of us won’t tune in unless our significant others sit us down on the couch and threaten to leave us unless we pay attention to the big game. But for most fans, most games fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes. For many Americans, the Super Bowl is must watch TV and the World Series of Poker is nothing but idle noise. I’m here to break down the 13 tiers of sporting events, from those that sports fans will completely avoid, to those that they’d skip their sibling’s wedding for. This is my take on where sporting events fall on the watchability scale.

13. WNBA: There’s no way you’re watching this unless you fell asleep on the couch and the cat stepped on the remote.

12. The Tour de France: I don’t know a soul on the planet who actually watches the Tour de France live. Hell, I don’t know more than a couple people who could even name more than one rider other than Lance Armstrong. My dad used to watch the Tour a little, but only before Lance was revealed as a probable cheater. And even then, my dad was riding a stationary bike for exercise, so I refuse to belief he was watching for any reason other than motivation.

11. MLB Spring Training: Most Americans pay more attention to how their neighbor’s kid is doing in Little League than spring training games in early March. But for some diehards, the battle for the 25th spot on a major league roster is a matter of life and death.

10. A Random Regular Season Game: You haven’t hung out with your buddies in a while, so what better excuse to request some quality bonding time together than “you wanna come over tonight to watch the (whatever) game? None of your friends care who wins, and as the game wears on you realize you have no idea what the score is or who is doing well. But the game is providing some solid background noise and filler for lulls in the conversation.

9. Event Games That No One Cares About: No one cares about the MLB All-Star Game. This is a well known fact, but it doesn’t stop sports fans from gathering around the TV every July. Artificial events like the All-Star Game may be meaningless to sports fans, but they’re just the type of games that fans, especially baseball fans, are obligated to watch.

8. Your Team’s Regular Season Games: People handle these differently. Some take them very seriously and can’t be in the company of other human beings when their favorite team is on the tube. Others see these games as the perfect opportunity to spend some quality time with friends or significant others and watch something near and dear to the heart. Unlike Random Regular Season Games, there is much more focus on the action. If you’re with friends, conversation won’t revolve around how hot that girl at the bar was; it’s more likely to be about how Eli Manning needs to know the right read when a safety creeps in from the strong side.

7. July 4th Hot Dog Eating Contest: Some folks don’t appreciate one of America’s greatest traditions, but it is one of our country’s most patriotic events on our most patriotic day.

6. Big News Games: Think Strasburg’s first start. If you care about sports, you will be watching when the new “Big Three” take the floor for the first time as members of the Miami Heat. If you don’t watch that game, you’ll most definitely make sure you catch Sportscenter. Same goes for LeBron’s return to Cleveland.

5. NBA or NHL Finals: Both are niche sports. In a year when two legendary rivals like the Celtics and Lakers play for the title, the Finals vault up the scale. But otherwise, despite the championship ramifications, it’s pretty unlikely that anyone beside actual NBA or NHL fans will watch the Finals or even really talk about them.

4. International Competition: The World Cup and Olympics are unique, because for nine out of 12 months in a competition year, no one gives the athletes who will compete a second thought. But when competition begins, the world watches, regardless of how identifiable the competitors are. Still, it’s bizarre that we don’t pay any attention to these guys and gals 90 percent of the team but are required to know at least a little bit about the event when it takes place. If you intend to approach your company’s water cooler or meet strangers at a barbeque during the Olympics or World Cup, you’d better know something about what’s going on.

3. March Madness: It’s impossible to watch the entirety of this tournament. But no matter your age or sex, you’re sure to encounter at least a couple games during this marathon event. I fail to understand why everyone in the country, sports fan or not, doesn’t fill out a bracket. If that’s not enough to pique your interest in the games just a little, then I don’t know what is.

2. The Super Bowl: More people in the USA watch the Super Bowl annually than any other sporting event. Whether you care about football, or just want to see the newest Budweiser commercial, you are most likely planted in front of the TV for three hours on the first weekend in February. If your team is playing in the Super Bowl, it immediately moves to No.1.

1. An International Game Involving Your Country’s Team: There’s really no excuse for missing a USA World Cup game, especially deep in the tournament, or a USA/Canada Olympic hockey game. Whether you give a darn about the actual sport or not, there’s a requisite level of patriotism involved that make it imperative that you not only watch the game, but you watch the game with some close friends and family and have at least a couple interesting factoids to contribute to the conversation. If you plan on going to work the next day without watching this game, don’t expect a whole lot of people to talk to you.